iPhone users Are Brain Dead Zombies and Nokia finally Agrees with me

Really
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by
on June 23, 2013
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I hate Apple products. There you go. Now you all know. I hate Apple products, I hate Apple fanboys, I hate the company itself and I particularly hate anyone who claims that they own Apple products because they’re in some way ‘thinking differently’, in the same way that everyone else who bought every shiny backed Apple-emblazoned waste of money they possibly could and then made sure they talked about it really loudly on the train to people who don’t give a shit, is also ‘thinking differently’.

Apparently the good folks at Nokia have come round to my way of thinking with their new ad-campaign, which treats us to a series of dead eyed, slack jawed, brain-dead Apple-fanboys, shuffling around the streets, aimlessly taking photos with their iPhones. And probably uploading them to Instagram. In Sepia.

Really

McDonalds: Think Healthy.

The ad strikes me as a particularly effective cost-cutting move on Nokia’s part as they could’ve filmed it on any New York street without the use of props or make-up. Wait for the sun to go down, wait for the new breed of hipster (read: asshole) to emerge and then roll camera.

People ask me occasionally why I hate Apple as much as I do and I’ve always found it a little difficult to formulate a response. Sure, their products are more expensive than they deserve to be, but that alone isn’t enough to earn them the withering contempt of both barrels of my sarcasmo-cannon. It’s also not the fact that, with the flash on, the iPhone camera drains all of the colour from your photo (and your personality) as satirised with amusing glee in Nokia’s commercial. It’s what Apple represent. And more than that, it’s what they used to represent. It’s the regretful resentment you reserve for a promising relationship gone oh so very wrong. They met my parents, they moved into my apartment, we loved, we laughed, we got high all the time and had sex all over the house but then? They took a job as a corporate lawyer, repossessed my parents’ house and called the cops on me.

In the beginning, Apple were a shining light of Indy thought and innovation. They stood up to the big boys and said ‘Hey, we’re going to do something different, we’re going to do it like hippies and you, IBM, can go suck a dick. We’ve got some awesome computers to build.’

And what now of those beautiful hippies? They’ve had a haircut, that’s what. Apple have become everything they once stood against. They’ve become beige. They sold their motorbike and bought a hatchback. And a yacht. And an island. And the souls of millions.

Maroon seven

About as alternative as shampoo.

Let me take you on a little journey. Think back to your teenage years, and remember that little indie band you used to love. You followed them around the country whilst they played gigs in smoky underground caverns, you sold records for them at the ends of their shows and when people asked you who it was you were going to see you’d reply, with disdainful smugness, ‘They’re just this indie band. You won’t know them. They’re not very mainstream. Not like you, you pleb. Go listen to the Spice Ladies or Maroon Seven.’

Then one day you’re in the car with your friends and your little indie band comes on the radio. ‘Hey! I know these guys’ you say. And because they’re so good, the friends you’re with go out and buy their CD, no longer from a sweaty youth at the end of gigs, but off the counter in a local record store. You’re filled with happiness, and not some little pride that the band you love is starting to get a little exposure.

But then they get on TV and start headlining festivals. You go into a big chain record store and see a life-sized cardboard cut-out of that little indie band that you loved with all your heart and soul and you hear their music everywhere you go. That douchebag whose daddy buys him a new car every year for his birthday is their new biggest fan. Popular society has consumed your little slice of counter-culture and made it err, culture and whilst you might still dig those catchy tunes, the love you felt is dissipated, washed away in a sea of bitter, popularised betrayal.

So there you go. You got it. I’ve said it. I hate Apple so much because, and I’m so sorry for saying this, they became So. Goddamn. Mainstream. That’s right. That’s how pretentious I apparently am. I’m that guy.

It’s not enough that those simpering peddlers of ‘cool’ stole the word ‘hipster’ from those of us on the left side of society, now they’ve gone and stolen our motherfucking computing company as well. I wore plaid shirts before they became the only thing that H&M’s men’s department would stock. I wore Converse before they were sold in Foot Locker. I listened to the Antlers and Grizzly Bear and Modest Mouse and Ben Howard and  Japandroids and Deaf Havana whilst you were listening to Destiny’s Child and doodling Justin Timberlake’s name in your school books.

I dreamt of owning a Mac before you knew what the shift key was for. I dream of the Apple who, in the beginning, thought differently. I dream of my little indie band, not the company who are so embedded in the collective consciousness as a mainstream-goliath, that Nokia, a company worth thirty nine billion dollars are the ones receiving my ‘stand-up for the little guy’ support.

When Nirvana became so popular that the counter-culture began branding him a sell-out, Kurt Cobain, in an almost Samurai-esque feat of hari-kiri, couldn’t stand the shame of becoming all that he was fighting against and blew his own brains out. Take note Apple. Take note.

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  • dvg235

    What the hell the bull shit gay was talking, Nokia phone are also not cheap

  • Amber-Rose Thomas

    Hands up, I love my MacBook. I wouldn’t go back to a Windows, I just like them better, even if they are the pretty-boys of the computing world and I have genuinely found them to be better for what I use a computer for. However, I also have an android phone and if someone bought me an iPhone, I would give that shit to a charity shop.

    Also any company that tries to charge you £80 for a new mains cable and £50 for a mouse, deserves to be marches to the back of IBM and shot. They are totally money grabbing bastards which taints the whole thing. Sad.

    Amusing, and well written as always. Well done Rob. :)

  • NITSUK

    As an UK IT company we use Windows 8 Pro at work and are extremely happy as it fulfils all our requirements and much more also will be upgrading to Surface once better storage capacity is available.

    Also recently we have all upgraded from iPhones and Android handsets to 32Gb Nokia Lumia 925’s which use Microsoft Windows Phone 925 and must say that we are extremely pleased with the move so far.

    Is not that we don’t like Apple products, we just use what passes all our detailed tests for efficiency, productivity and future flexibilities therefore to date Microsoft OS, Apple handsets and Google’s tools have worked very well together however as now they are all fighting over different services and features we decided to make few changes to taste the
    water on the other side and glad that we did as Microsoft Windows Phone 8 and Nokia Lumia range have really done a good job together.

    What is frustrating is that number of Apple and Android fans refuse to use Microsoft products or contribute towards anything related however this slows down innovation in different areas altogether, end of the day if it wasn’t because of Microsoft Google wouldn’t have been where they are now and same goes for Apple using Google’s services initially therefore we come to one conclusion which is that we all need to each other and different ecosystems to work together for a better future.

    • Erik Bock

      Windows phone doesn’t even have as much market share as Blackberry, Nokia mad a mistake not going Android. As for Win 8 her in the states it isn’t getting corporate traction at all. Even most consumers that buy a Win 8 machine are trying to downgrade it to Win 7.

      • NITSUK

        Thank you for your view on this Erik.

  • Erik Bock

    So basically you hate them because they are successful and you think they sold out. Not that their products are bad.

    • Robin White

      Thanks for the comment Eric. If I’m honest, I feel like their products, like those of most companies, are a mixed bag. Graphic designers aside, I can see absolutely no use for a Macbook for instance, especially taking into account that it’s going to cost twice as much as an equivalent Windows machine. Too often they’re the computer of choice for poseurs who write their novels in coffee shops and that’s done Apple no favours.

      On the other hand, (and if I’m honest) I’ve actually always been fairly impressed with the iPhone, but I’d never buy one because as a bit of a tech-head I dislike the fact that I can’t open it up and play around. iPods, particularly the Shuffle, are ace, though I don’t have one myself.

      And yes – I do feel like they sold out and that doesn’t help, though my story was intended to be taken with tongue firmly in cheek. Cheers again.

      • Erik Bock

        Robin, I can live with that answer but I disagree with parts of your first paragraph. I find it interesting that you talk to the graphic designers and I have seen more and more video people move to Avid on Windows when Apple came out with the abomination of Final Cut X. As for the more casual user (Of which I think I fall) I will say that I have been using the same MacBook Pro 17″ for the last 5 years. (I got a really good deal on the 17″ vs. 15″ that I won’t go into the details) As you hate Apple, I will say I hate MS even more (Another long story) and I hate Android as well and I have seen and used a lot of Android phones.

        My background is that I am an IT professional of 26 years with a BS in CIS and an MBA. I am an IT business man now, not so much the geek that I use to be. I need my stuff to just work. I don’t need to jailbreak my iPhone or third party ROMs for Android. I need the phone to make and take calls and reliably run the applications I need it too. In my research I have found that most Android users are using their phones as feature phones though this is slowly changing. I can say that I have bought into the Apple iTunes Ecosystem, because it works. (Yes iTunes has become a bloated mess but it still works) I have a Mac, iPhone and iPad and they all just work. Trying to get that all to just work with such disparate systems with Windows and Android and even adding in maybe an iPad is difficult at best.

        My beef with Android is the fragmentation issue. Sure it’s customizable but with the severe fragmentation this is a developer nightmare and the fact that if I want a newer OS most of the manufacturers and U.S. carriers make you buy a new handset. The only way i would even consider Android would be with a Nexus phone and AT&T never seems to have that.

        So really what it comes down to is if you want to tinker with your phone or tablet go Android, if you just want it to be a stable well supported device go Apple.

  • Jimmy Casazza

    Maybe they are taking off because they sell great products. There is a reason why iPhone and android are dominating the market, and windows phone is a slim part of the pie, along with blackberry. The products sell because they are well built and work together. Writing an article that blasts a company because they are growing is a little frivolous. Now before you judge me that I’m a fanboy because I am supporting Apple, I will say I use Windows here and there. Now the main point of the article was about how Nokia claimed that iPhone users are mindless zombies taking photos of others. To me, that just sounds like a different version of Apple’s 1984 commercial, but I guess to you that’s “innovative” from Nokia, is it? As far as to say that you hate everyone who owns an apple product, you need to settle down,sir. Now your analogy with the hippies was very well written, and it made me understand why you don’t like them so much anymore, but as far as to brand them sell outs and how there aren’t innovative from their old days, that is a bit too much. They have been innovative, and you know I’m going to say they have been innovative because of the iPhone and iPad, even the new Mac Pro that was just released. Every smartphone that is available today uses what Apple has done first. Every gesture, UI interface, hardware, and their app store has been copied in some form from them. That is why Samsung has lost court battles of patent infringement, twice. Now I understand that your the kind of person that roots for the little guy, but if a product, much like that little indie band, makes great products that everybody wants, then there is no stopping them from getting big.