I hate Apple products. There you go. Now you all know. I hate Apple products, I hate Apple fanboys, I hate the company itself and I particularly hate anyone who claims that they own Apple products because they’re in some way ‘thinking differently’, in the same way that everyone else who bought every shiny backed Apple-emblazoned waste of money they possibly could and then made sure they talked about it really loudly on the train to people who don’t give a shit, is also ‘thinking differently’.
Apparently the good folks at Nokia have come round to my way of thinking with their new ad-campaign, which treats us to a series of dead eyed, slack jawed, brain-dead Apple-fanboys, shuffling around the streets, aimlessly taking photos with their iPhones. And probably uploading them to Instagram. In Sepia.
The ad strikes me as a particularly effective cost-cutting move on Nokia’s part as they could’ve filmed it on any New York street without the use of props or make-up. Wait for the sun to go down, wait for the new breed of hipster (read: asshole) to emerge and then roll camera.
People ask me occasionally why I hate Apple as much as I do and I’ve always found it a little difficult to formulate a response. Sure, their products are more expensive than they deserve to be, but that alone isn’t enough to earn them the withering contempt of both barrels of my sarcasmo-cannon. It’s also not the fact that, with the flash on, the iPhone camera drains all of the colour from your photo (and your personality) as satirised with amusing glee in Nokia’s commercial. It’s what Apple represent. And more than that, it’s what they used to represent. It’s the regretful resentment you reserve for a promising relationship gone oh so very wrong. They met my parents, they moved into my apartment, we loved, we laughed, we got high all the time and had sex all over the house but then? They took a job as a corporate lawyer, repossessed my parents’ house and called the cops on me.
In the beginning, Apple were a shining light of Indy thought and innovation. They stood up to the big boys and said ‘Hey, we’re going to do something different, we’re going to do it like hippies and you, IBM, can go suck a dick. We’ve got some awesome computers to build.’
And what now of those beautiful hippies? They’ve had a haircut, that’s what. Apple have become everything they once stood against. They’ve become beige. They sold their motorbike and bought a hatchback. And a yacht. And an island. And the souls of millions.
Let me take you on a little journey. Think back to your teenage years, and remember that little indie band you used to love. You followed them around the country whilst they played gigs in smoky underground caverns, you sold records for them at the ends of their shows and when people asked you who it was you were going to see you’d reply, with disdainful smugness, ‘They’re just this indie band. You won’t know them. They’re not very mainstream. Not like you, you pleb. Go listen to the Spice Ladies or Maroon Seven.’
Then one day you’re in the car with your friends and your little indie band comes on the radio. ‘Hey! I know these guys’ you say. And because they’re so good, the friends you’re with go out and buy their CD, no longer from a sweaty youth at the end of gigs, but off the counter in a local record store. You’re filled with happiness, and not some little pride that the band you love is starting to get a little exposure.
But then they get on TV and start headlining festivals. You go into a big chain record store and see a life-sized cardboard cut-out of that little indie band that you loved with all your heart and soul and you hear their music everywhere you go. That douchebag whose daddy buys him a new car every year for his birthday is their new biggest fan. Popular society has consumed your little slice of counter-culture and made it err, culture and whilst you might still dig those catchy tunes, the love you felt is dissipated, washed away in a sea of bitter, popularised betrayal.
So there you go. You got it. I’ve said it. I hate Apple so much because, and I’m so sorry for saying this, they became So. Goddamn. Mainstream. That’s right. That’s how pretentious I apparently am. I’m that guy.
It’s not enough that those simpering peddlers of ‘cool’ stole the word ‘hipster’ from those of us on the left side of society, now they’ve gone and stolen our motherfucking computing company as well. I wore plaid shirts before they became the only thing that H&M’s men’s department would stock. I wore Converse before they were sold in Foot Locker. I listened to the Antlers and Grizzly Bear and Modest Mouse and Ben Howard and Japandroids and Deaf Havana whilst you were listening to Destiny’s Child and doodling Justin Timberlake’s name in your school books.
I dreamt of owning a Mac before you knew what the shift key was for. I dream of the Apple who, in the beginning, thought differently. I dream of my little indie band, not the company who are so embedded in the collective consciousness as a mainstream-goliath, that Nokia, a company worth thirty nine billion dollars are the ones receiving my ‘stand-up for the little guy’ support.
When Nirvana became so popular that the counter-culture began branding him a sell-out, Kurt Cobain, in an almost Samurai-esque feat of hari-kiri, couldn’t stand the shame of becoming all that he was fighting against and blew his own brains out. Take note Apple. Take note.